O me of little faith!

Raising support--the 2 words that strike fear into the hearts of budding missionaries everywhere! It did to mine--I wanted to avoid it at all costs.

When I returned to Canada from England in March, I began looking at different organizations that I could go to Africa with. I had been told about Medair, a Christian disaster relief organization that specializes in "forgotten" conflicts and natural disasters, an organization which I still have the utmost respect for. In April I checked out their website, thought it looked awesome, and promptly began the application process right then and there. (I do things like that) I spent the next 2 weeks feeling miserable in my spirit, sensing that God was displeased with my decision but trying desperately to justify my reasons.

Not that there's anything wrong with Medair but I soon realized that my motivation for applying was all twisted. You see, I'm very interested in disaster relief and find it all rather thrilling. I also greatly revere and heroize (is that a word? well, I guess it is now) those who do disaster relief and I think I wanted to be a bit of a hero too! And the best part was, I wouldn't have to (shock, horror) raise support for this! The first year, I would be a volunteer with a small allowance and expenses paid and after that if I stayed on I would get (wait for it) a salary! I wouldn't have to depend on anyone else and would be free as a bird.

Like I said, I had no peace about this reasoning and motivation but carried on with my plan for a couple of weeks until God had me in a place where I was a captive audience (in a 6 hour car journey from Edmonton, Alberta to Prince Albert, Saskatchewan to be specific) and spoke to my heart very clearly, exposing my motives and pride. I decided to give in to His will and opened my hands that were clutching my precious Medair plan for dear life and let go. My heart was flooded with peace and with an assurance that I was back on track. God seemed to be saying something like this "I don't want you to be a hero--I want you to be my servant and to trust me for all things."

This experience set me on a further search which eventually led me to SIM, a mission that requires each missionary to (cringe, gasp) raise their own support. Well, I was cool with that now. I thought "Yeah, of course God will provide." I was a bit like Peter in the Bible who decided to jump out of his boat to walk on the water with Jesus.

Things were going well until he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves around him. Just like I was ok until I actually had to start raising support. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to sink and go nowhere, let alone to Sudan! All sorts of doubts flood in. What an uncomfortable situation! To be asking people for money? Why should they support me and my ministry when there are thousands of missionaries and ministries and organizations out there that they could be supporting? I have now been raising support for about a month and what an emotional roller-coaster it has been!

Well, I felt inspired to write about this tonight because I just received a new pledge which brought me up to roughly 10% of my monthly required support and there have been a number of one-time gifts too. I have felt gently chastised by the Lord the last couple days because yesterday I started to freak out inside about this whole raising support thing again and could practically picture myself, a little old lady in her rocking chair croaking out "Just hit 75%! Should be able to make it to Sudan next decade at this rate!" This was even though I had received an unexpected pledge of a one-time gift the day before and someone committing to some serious prayer on my behalf. That night I checked my email inbox and there was an email from a friend pledging some monthly support. Then another pledge of monthly support today and someone at church letting me know they sent in a one-time gift. And...ok Lord, I think I get the message! You'd like me to trust--you promise to provide. Thank you!

This raising support thing is one of the scariest things I have ever done, but in only one month, one of the things that has also brought me the most joy. I can see tonight that it is completely out of my hands. I cannot control, manipulate, or otherwise manoever this process very much. God is building my prayer and financial support team in His way, in His time. It thrills my heart each time someone writes or tells me that they are either sending in a gift, pledging regular support, or committing to be a prayer warrior. I'm humbled and gob-smacked (great, British expression) that God has given me the opportunity to represent these peoples' heart for world mission and serve Him in Sudan. We'll do it together, some of us in Sudan, some of us back at home.

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"
Matt. 14:29-31